Co-Parenting Challenges: Growing Yourself While Your Co-Parent Is Standing Still
KANIKA ENERGY COACH > PODCAST AND MEDIA APPEARANCES
I remember the time I separated from my husband. Truly, I thought that untangling our lives—our routines, our shared home—would be the hard part.
And yes, it was.
But what I didn’t expect was how much harder it would be to keep parenting alongside someone who wasn’t on the same healing path.
You imagine separation will give you space to breathe, to heal, to raise your child in a way that feels more aligned. And in many ways, it does. But when you’re sharing custody, it also means your child moves between two homes, two emotional environments, two versions of what “normal” looks like.
You work on your triggers. You try to respond instead of react. You build rituals that help your child feel safe. But when they return from the other home, with different energy, different rules, it can undo what you’ve tried so hard to anchor.
It’s like building a sanctuary while someone keeps kicking the bricks loose.
So let’s talk about parenting through that space—how to stay grounded, protect your child’s heart, and keep showing up with love, even when the other parent isn’t growing with you.
And just to be clear: this isn’t about unsafe or abusive situations. That’s a separate and urgent concern.
This is for the mums doing the emotional work—reading the books, going to therapy, breathing through the chaos—and still feeling like they’re parenting alone.
You’re not alone. I’ve been there. I’m still there, some days.
Co-parenting while healing from grief, trying to raise a child with presence and intention, while the other parent holds onto old patterns—it’s one of the most humbling things I’ve ever had to do.
Here’s what I’ve learned.
You Separated for a Reason
Separation doesn’t just happen.
It often follows years of emotional pain, misalignment, or trying to fix something that didn’t want to change. Maybe you stayed longer than you should have. Maybe you hoped things would get better.
But eventually, the cost of staying got too high, not just for you, but for your child. You wanted peace. A home that felt like home again.
And for a while, maybe it did.
But here’s what no one really tells you: just because you separated doesn’t mean the emotional entanglement is over. When you’re raising a child together, the dynamic just shifts shape.
Maybe your child comes home and says, “Daddy says you’re always angry,” or “At Dad’s house, we don’t have to do that.”
Maybe they suddenly pull away—quieter, moodier, less connected.
They’re not trying to upset you. They’re just trying to make sense of two different worlds. And often, they’re carrying feelings they don’t have words for, but you feel them all the same.
That’s when it hits you: the real work didn’t end with the breakup.
In many ways, it just began.
The Moment That Changed Everything
One afternoon, my son walked into the house, eyes wide, and said:
“I don’t think you love me anymore.”
I had just asked him to clean up his mess—maybe a little too sharply. I was tired. Stretched thin. But hearing those words felt like the floor dropped out from under me.
All I wanted to do was say, “That’s not true!” or “How could you say that?”
But something in me paused. I softened.
Because I’ve learned that when kids say things like this, they’re not trying to hurt us—they’re trying to find their footing.
They’re not rejecting you. They’re just confused.
They’re trying to make sense of different rules, different energies, different emotional languages. They’re walking between two parents, with two ways of being, and asking, “Who do I have to be to feel safe in both?”
They’re not trying to hurt you.
They’re trying to belong.
And isn’t that such a tender, heartbreaking thing?
That our children—so small, so tender—are already wondering how to fit in to feel loved, when all you want is for them to feel enough as they are.
What It Really Meant
That night, I couldn’t sleep. I kept going over his words, “I don’t think you love me.”
But I realised: it wasn’t really about love. It was about how love was felt in that moment.
My tone had been sharp. And even though I was still loving him deeply, he couldn’t feel it through my tiredness.
It wasn’t just what he said that got to me. It was what it touched inside me.
The truth is, there’s still a part of me that sometimes wonders if I’m a good mum. That old voice that showed up when I struggled with breastfeeding in the early days… the one that whispered, “You’re not doing this right.” That feeling that no matter how much love I give, maybe it’s still not enough.
Kids are incredibly sensitive. They don’t just hear our words, they feel our energy. Even when we’re trying our best, they pick up what’s underneath.
And in that moment, I saw it.
He wasn’t just echoing something from his dad.
He was also reflecting my own tiredness, my doubts, my unspoken grief.
I learnt where I still needed to soften… not just toward him, but toward myself too.
How to Create Emotional Safety When Parenting Across Two Homes
After that moment, everything changed.
I realised I couldn’t control what happened in the other home. But I could create emotional safety in mine.
Instead of trying to “undo” the energy he brought back with him… I started thinking about how I could help him feel at home—with both his dad and me.
A kind of energetic “home” he could return to—again and again. A place where he felt safe—not just physically, but emotionally and energetically.
And that’s something you can create too.
Here are a few gentle ways you can help your child feel emotionally grounded, even when life is moving between two very different worlds:
Build small, predictable rituals
It might be the same bedtime story, a “welcome home” cuddle on the couch, or a favourite breakfast the morning after they return. Familiar rhythms help kids feel safe and anchored.
Let them feel, without taking it personally
If they repeat something that hurts or act out after coming back, pause before reacting. Try saying, “That sounds like a big feeling. Want to talk about it?” Let them land emotionally before guiding them back.
Hold your boundaries with love
You don’t have to match the other household or defend your choices. Calmly reinforce, “In our home, this is what we do.” The clarity helps them feel secure—even if they push back at first.
Visualise energetic protection
Before or after your child transitions homes, close your eyes and visualise a soft, golden light surrounding them. Ask for their highest good to be protected. Let go of what isn’t yours to hold.
Take care of your own energy
You’re holding a lot—your child’s needs, the co-parenting dynamics, your own healing. Make space to shake it out, cry, rest, walk, or journal. Your steadiness helps them regulate, even if they can’t name it.
You’re Not Failing Just Because It Feels Hard
There were so many nights I lay in bed wondering if I was getting it all wrong.
I was doing the work—healing, reflecting, holding space—and still, some days felt impossible.
And maybe you know that feeling too.
But here’s what I want to say to you —with so much love:
You’re not failing.
You’re just in a very real, very exhausting space where you’re growing… and your co-parent isn’t.
Being the healing parent can feel invisible. Lonely. Never-ending.
But you are making a difference. Even if you can’t see it yet.
And it’s okay to grieve the parenting dynamic you wish you had.
It doesn’t make you weak. It means you’re human. And you care deeply.
Even if the other parent can’t meet you in that vision, you are enough to shift the story.
You’re Already Creating What Matters Most
Co-parenting with someone who isn’t growing doesn’t mean your child is doomed, or that you’re doing it wrong.
It just means that your presence matters more than ever.
You don’t need to fix what happens in the other home.
You don’t need to explain or defend your choices.
You just need to keep coming home to yourself.
Because the more anchored you are, the more your child will know where their emotional home truly is.
Even if life feels split in two, you’re still creating something whole.
And that’s enough.
You’re enough.
(Originally published in Northern Beaches Mums)
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